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EMBRACING THE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE RELATIONSHIP
We've talked a bit before about passive aggression in your life, how frustrating and painful it can be; how destructive to your self-confidence. I've been there, it's rough, and for a long time it held me back from my goals.
The mix of love and aggression is a toxic potion. It hurts to bear the brunt of a loved one's aggression, leaves you feeling isolated in a world of enemies. It hurts for me to remember it, and to think about you possibly still living that life. It's a confusing mixed message: "I love you. And I'm going to hurt you, because we are together." But there is a way out.
My friend Louise struggled with passive aggression for years, but she made it through and came out stronger on the other side.
I remember the year she hosted Thanksgiving for her family, and invited her new love Frank to meet them for the first time. She couldn't wait for them to meet him. For weeks, it was all she'd talk about! "You just wait," she said. "Mom's going to love him. He's such a charmer; I bet he'll sweep her right off her feet."
Louise was so happy, and I didn't want to be a wet blanket... I couldn't bear to point out the red flags waving all around the situation. Frank was a procrastinator, and I had a strong suspicion he wasn't nearly as excited about meeting her family as Louise was. For him, the get-together was a chore, and he reacted in his usual way. He put off getting the plane tickets and asking for time off until arrangements just got more and more tricky to pull off... not that he said anything to Louise about it.
You know where this is going, right?
He didn't ask until the last minute how his plans were coming. The day before Thanksgiving, with mom already in the guest room anticipating Superman's arrival, Louise called me sobbing. The airlines were completely booked and Frank couldn't make it until Monday. By then, of course, Louise's mom would be safely out of town.
Was Louise just cursed? Was she a bad person who didn't deserve her dream, a family holiday with her new love interest included?
Unfortunately, this was just one example of a pattern in Louise's life. It wasn't the first time she was hurt by procrastination and thoughtlessness, but it took her years to realize that she was part of the problem.
Not to pry, but are you seeing yourself here? Do you know how Louise finally put a stop to this kind of behavior? How she began to build the kind of loving relationships she dreamed of?
Well, first she recognized the problem. Then she found some strategies to help her deal with the relationships in her life.
Here are a few of those strategies:
- Spot the passive aggressive behavior in time; recognize it for what it is.
- Identify the reasons it's happening, in yourself and the other.
- Confront the situations honestly; speak candidly to those hurting you and demand changes.
- Claim a reality where you will be treated as you deserve. Raise your expectations.
- You think this sounds like a lot of work, like it's going to require some serious changes? Of course it is!
But Louise eventually learned to open her eyes, defend herself and turn her life around. I can help you too. Together, we'll work through a simple program. It won't take long for you to see that there really is light at the end of the tunnel!
You can find everything you want to know about passive aggressive relationships - and more - in the e-book "LOVE, ANGER AND TRUST: EMBRACING THE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE RELATIONSHIP."
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